How to Help a Loved One with Cancer (Without Overwhelming Them)

When someone you love has cancer, it's natural to want to do everything. But people with cancer may want to keep their independence, privacy or sense of control,¹ so the most helpful support is often gentle and guided by them.

Ways to support gently

• Follow their lead. Respect their need to talk, or to stay quiet.² Let them know you're open to talking whenever they feel like it.¹
• Offer specific help, then follow through. Suggest practical things you can do, and follow through if they agree.¹ "I'll pick up the prescription today" is often easier to accept than "Let me know if you need anything."
• Don't assume what they can't do. Don't assume your friend can no longer do something just because they have cancer.¹
• Help them feel like themselves. Your time together can help take their mind off things and help them feel like they did before their diagnosis.¹
• Call or text before you visit, and make short, regular visits rather than long, infrequent ones.¹

Words that can help

• "I'm here, whatever you need."
• "Do you want to talk, or would a distraction help?"
• "It's okay to have a hard day."

And sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all: listen without always feeling that you have to respond.¹

Take care of yourself, too

Caregiving is demanding. Try to get enough sleep and rest, keep up with your own checkups, plan regular breaks, and ask family or friends for help. Counseling or a caregiver support group can also help.³ Watch for signs of burnout, such as feeling tired most of the time, changes in sleep, getting sick more often, or feeling angry, anxious, sad or hopeless.⁴

If you feel overwhelmed or hopeless, you don't have to carry it alone. In the U.S., call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, any time.

Sources

1. Being a Friend to Someone With Cancer, American Cancer Society
2. How to Communicate as a Caregiver, American Cancer Society
3. Self-care Tips for Caregivers, American Cancer Society
4. Caregiver Burnout Quiz, American Cancer Society

Supports, but never replaces, the advice of your loved one's care team.